Goodbye 2015

Again I have to say - I can´t believe how fast this last year went by t was actually more like a running
a speedy gonzales like year ;)
There is so much I could talk about and so many amazing and way to many sad memories.
I love the idea of writing down all the ups and downs of a year and to come back and remember all many years later. 
So I´ll do it again like I did last year.

why are those phone pic always blury ;)

Last year started amazing and was pretty nice all January long.
I was working at the architects office and enjoyed my time there.
I had amazing times with my friends and family, have been to the theatre and to an amazing architecture fair in munich.
I just generally felt good as far as I remember

Generally I think I can say that for the first quarter of 2015 I felt good and strong and that I was on a good way of not panicking about my future. I told you about my first panic attacks in 2014 and the constantly rising anxiety. I would love to tell you that it was much better this year, but it was not.
It got worse, especially when it comes to trains and traveling with everything I cant control like I can when I am driving in a car.
I am having panic attacks very easy as soon as I am in a room with many people, when I have the feeling that I cant just leave and it gets even worse as soon as I am standing in a spot where people are constantly bump into you. Its the worst thing ever
and to make it even worse, the situation with my ... exboyfriend...there I said it for the first time ever actually...the situation with him and his mum got so bad that the relationship ended.
In this moment I actually felt like my life being over.
Why I say this together with my anxiety getting worse? He was the only one who totally accepted it and believed me and he could actually help me, he was the one I went to when I felt lost.
Now I have to find a new way of dealing with anxiety and panic attacks, but I want to believe that I will make it and fight my way through.
Its always the hardest thing to have a broken heart and many of you will know how I feel, but those of you who feel with me also know that with some time it´ll get better, even if its hard to believe.
I miss him very very much in nearly every single second of my life because he was the most important thing for me, our relationship was, the feeling of safety and protection, but I was hurt very much and this makes it not worth to loose faith over everything. I did a lot for this relationship, I challenged a lot and in the end it was not appreciated or given back to me so I don´t think that it is worth anymore to keep fighting for this.

There have been many amazing things too of cause.
Like my trip to Stockholm in september, which was stunning and with it my first vlogging experience.

Also I started my youtube channel in march and uploaded many videos
even if I was not as organised as I wanted to be ;)
But I am going to be better this year and I hope that many of you come over say hi and subscribe ;)
I am pretty happy about my blogposts and the blogging I did...well not the december part but...well ;)

I had many amazing days and so many marvelous hours with so many lovely people
I went back to uni in march and started a new semester full of amazing projects and as far as I remember it was a pretty good time. Of cause with much stress and a lot of work, but I liked it and enjoyed most...and those bad days well I got over them
In august a new opera project with Opera Incognita started and we did Verdis Stiffelio.

Twas an amazing experience again and I had a lot of fun and a lot of bruises ;)
In december an other project started its Out of this world by Cole Porter and just hilarious.
All the rehearsals before christmas were so much fun and the first performances were amazing and very successful.

In august my sister moved to munich and lives now in a lovely apartment also I´ve been to the amazing middle ages festival in Amerang twas amazing ;)
I´ve also been to Berlin in october which was a nice trip and I´ve seen and done so many inspiring things and I can be very proud to do a trip like this going to berlin by bus for 10h. I really think I can say that I did well and fought my anxiety, especially because I went home by bus all alone ;)

Well in the end, what do I want to say about 2015?
 What can I take from 2015 into the new year?
I though about this pretty long now and still I am not too sure what to say about this year. Which conclusions do I draw from it?
I fought very hard for something which was the most important thing for me and I lost in anyway.
Do I give up my optimism, my strong believe in love and faith?
Will I go on and live my life now that I lost so much?
I will and I really want to want it. Its so hard, especially if you are like me and think about everything until its so thought through that its dead, but I´ll do my best to keep going and I know now that there are so many people, so many friends who will always be there for me and who will support me with everything I do and who will raise me up when I am down, no matter who hard it will be.
And I am soooo thankful for all of you

This is the best thing I learned in 2015 -
I have a lot of amazing people around me, the best family and the very best friends
and that is a thing which will help me through everything and so I know that I can fight against everything.
And with this knowledge and this feeling I´ll start into this new year and want to believe that it is going to be an amazing one ;)
A new year which frightens me hell a lot, and which makes me panic a little because I have to do my bachelor and I really don´t know what is going to happen next and where my life will turn, which is my biggest fear.
We will see and I´ll take you all with me on this journey and if you have any tips on how to stay calm in a situation like mine - just let me now :)

It was such a crazy year, so much happened and in a world which seems to be so crazy most of the time and in which so many cruel, sad and challenging happen I think we all should appreciate every little moment of happiness and we should never say maybe tomorrow.
I hope that I can do a loooooot of amazing thing in this year and that I will never wait because I am afraid and that I just try and do my best.

I hope you had a fantastic 2015 and that it was less challenging than mine ;)
Tell me all about it ;) what was the best thing in 2015 for you?


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